A response

 I want to give the love in my heart, but I can't get past the anger hiding in the shadows. It is unnecessary anger, but its there. It is hard to deal with things that you avoided for so many years. 

How do I love others when I am struggling to even love myself... to hold on to God's love. I am not meeting my expectations. I know I will always fall short. I am so undeserving of God's love. 

I thank God... for being God.

Let It Go

"I gotta let it go. I gotta let. it. go. All the pain is dry. I gotta let it go. And move on with my life."

I gotta listen to some of those songs I love more closely. They speak louder than any words I can find.

"Where do I go? Every direction seems to be against the flow. Who will I be? What does it mean to just be me? So tired of having to choose... where I'll be and what I'm going to do...

Lost is confusion. I feel like I'm losing it all. Where do I go from here? No who's going to break my fall... nothing is clear... so where do I go from here?"

I know ... I've been praying a lot. I'm been under a lot of stress and haven't found the words to ask for prayer either. 

God will help... things take time. 

Funny what you learn in four hours

I am on a little vacation I guess you could say... and its Easter Weekend. My family is so incredible... maybe crazy, insane, eccentric, pregnant (all the time)...

BUT I LOVE IT!

It fills me with memories and stories and smiles... enough smiles to bring back and share with all of you. I met a lot of my grandpapa's friends tonight and got to see little Trey finally befriend my dog - aka Pup-op! I learn about the little things I take for granted.

Being at school - if someone tells me something is wrong, doesnt mean I absorb it. I havent witnessed it... I havent seen it... or experienced it. I can't learn everything by books and being told things... its just not how us fine arts people work.

I am home with my sister and laughing about ceranwrap and plastic or how to march in a circle the right way... its just so funny to be with my family. Its going to be hard to leave sunday.

This weekend is so refreshing

hm?

I don't know... so i'm taking a break to figure out all the stuff in my head

Who am I?

I wrote a previous post about how I feel... the logic behind it is not so simple.

I went from one extreme to the other... and in the motions, I skipped over some things I thought weren't important. I am not really going backwards in terms of my faith or how I think, but I do have to review older thought processes and fix the things I skipped over.

With this amazing speaker in town - so much is being thrown in every direction... 

I am listening with my mind and my heart and am struggling to now clear the prior fuzziness. People try to give advice and I get even more confused. 

What I need is to define myself - by myself - in time and I know that is extremely difficult. Part of that is strongly connected to my love of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, but part of it is just me.

I was alone for all of 5 seconds this morning and my heart just stopped. I realized that no matter how much I love people, this life is temporary and I need to find my identity in Christ and one that fits here in this life... and it may sound sketchy but I want a middle ground. 

Thats all I ever wanted was a middle ground... and peer pressure isn't helping me find myself. Please keep in mind that I did come from extremes when giving me advice... I want constructive criticism, not more hurt than I already have... but I do want help. 

I am pulling myself apart one piece at a time... all I want to know is

Where do I fit?

I am an artist... not just a christian

I made this blog to prove a point, and lost sight of the end result. I found a love and importance in my religion that I didn't know existed. I found people with similar values and a dedication that only a few friends from prior years have shown me. I found a lot of things that I didn't know exist. And though I found that prayer and these new-found ways make me happy, I was still missing something. I gained so much ... that I can't deny if I tried ... so I wont. I love God. That won't change, but the definition of myself has... and will.

I am an artist... not just a christian. 

I don't spend my days wondering how a person would sacrifice themselves for the good of mankind when people sacrifice themselves everyday for me. People solve problems for me ... and sometimes I don't even realize there is a problem because it is so much bigger than me... than us! And I'm not talking about Jesus... I'm talking about life itself!

I don't spend my days contemplating how the bible is true, because I know it is true. Even though I have questions and can be baffled -  I ask my questions, accept the answers and move on. It is history that I can't dwell on... not just my history, but the history of this world. I wont sit in my confusion or my questions... there is so much more that God gave us. Yes, we are clean of sin because of Jesus and that is great! GREAT beyond belief! But I'm not going to live wondering why God gave his only son... 

Families are giving their only sons everyday for you and me. For peace. For sanity. For hope of a better life. Jesus died with similar things in mind. 

I am an artist who has lost friends in war... has family fight in war... loved ones in war. Jesus died in war just as men are dying today. So yes, thank God ... Thank Jesus... but thank your friends fighting for you. 

This girl who writes to you... was lost because all her focus was on Jesus! My focus isn't meant to only be on Jesus. I keep him in my heart, but I have to keep my family... and most importantly myself in my heart... its not just about you or me though - is it?

 

I am an artist. It is who I am and how I see this world and the one to follow. Art and music define my being in abstract contradictions that others ignore or fail to see at all. My world is always full of new adventures and know that not every story has a happy ending. Sometimes happiness is about the little things life throws at you and how you use those things to strengthen your soul and heart... not just your mind. Inspiration comes from within no one but yourself. 

Be true to yourself and life will bring joy to your canvas.

Live in one thought - and you will live shades of gray for many years... and you may look around and be so incredibly stuck in that one gray vile moment of your life...

I won't be sitting next to you. My colors are clear and vibrant... and not contained by anyone. 

I am not only a christian... 

I am an artist. 

I define myself. 

What I know ... is that I don't know anything

The title pretty much says it all. Some days ALIVE takes the strands of what's left of this ribboned heart and pulls on them a little too hard... Its for my own good, but God smacks me on the back of my head and it hurts.

I am a walking clutz and health hazard.... and all I can do is focus elsewhere... which is also 

A MESS

I pray my friends stop smoking like they say they will

I pray that my friends sort out all these issues I am trying to avoid

I pray that people will actually hear me and acknowledge that I am trying 

I pray I am not tempted by the things I left... I did leave them for a reason

I want to be healed of everything ... all wounds can't be healed, but I wish they could. 

In my brokenness complete

I dont know if that makes me complete... I feel so empty some days. I'm glad I got my ring back. I know that much. (And we all thought I was over that huh? not so much... )