Thank you.

I know that my thoughts and emotions have been in a constant ADD phase and I apologize. I also am sorry if I have randomly stopped you for a hug or a tissue and you were on the move/ on the way to a final exam.

I just really want to express my gratitude. So many of you went out of your way to get to know me and help me. This year has been extremely difficult - not simply in "the adjusting to college" bit, but academically, physically, emotionally difficult. 

You served me when I couldn't serve you:

When I was sick, numerous people would run for tylenol. People would sacrifice their time to assist me in my healing... and still do on my "weak days".

I even remember throwing up in someone's car... But no one yelled at me, or freaked out... they just helped me back into bed and waited for me to fall asleep.  

When I cried, people knew what to say, gave me hugs, distracted me from what bothered me. 

I would bombard people with questions and "hypothetical situations" at the most inconvenient time, yet you opened your hearts and answered me... even if it took 3 hours of your day when you could be studying.

I remember 2-D projects in the Carpenter lobby ... half of our bible study stayed in that lobby until I finished. People got me caffine and made me laugh until I cried. Staying up until 3 or 4 am with you guys isn't hard at all! :) In fact, I really enjoy spending time with you - no matter what time of day or night it is.

Now, having proved how much you loved me in the way you have served me, I have to thank you. You have become a huge part of my heart. I don't know if I could have made it through this year with out you!!! I MEAN THAT! I couldn't have done anything with out you. 

Thank you for simply being there. 

*Round of applause*

Thank you for being you.

I cry because I care

In the last year, I have gotten almost everything I ever wanted. Seriously! 

I got friends who really care about my well-being.

I got a relationship with God that is always growing.

I found a passion for art and music that I thought I lost.

I got into an extremely competitive summer art program half way across the world that could basically launch my art into the gallery work force.

I get to go to a monastery that I dreamed of stepping foot inside for years.

I have gotten a lot closer with my Dad and my Mom.

ETC. ETC. ETC.

Everything is falling into place. Part of me is so excited b/c for once in my life, God's plan seems to be matching mine.

Another part of me feels like I'm making a mistake following this dream. In four years, I wont be in Iowa. I will be in an art residency and masters studio classes... Des Moines isn't a place where artists launch a career. I keep telling myself, God is in control - but everything I want, he has given me... except the capability to stay. I'm good at something, but that something isn't here. But the people that I love are here. 

I have people here who care so much. A summer is just long enough for everything and everyone to change... long enough to break my heart. This week has already ripped me into a million pieces. I have cried to God for help... 

Last night was especially hard. I haven't enjoyed myself that much in such a long time. 1:30 am rolls around and almost everyone in that room was asleep... I tucked the boys in and watched more Star Trek (yes, I know... sounds crazy), but I realized how loved I actually was, and felt. Not just the concept of having that love, but that the people in that room have stuck with me through a lot of bad situations this year, and I haven't known them that long. And there I was tucking them in and saying goodnight to my brothers in christ - that have loved me before I knew what love really was. 

So as the really bad actors bounced pretending their ship had been hit, I began to cry. I am glad no one noticed, but at the same time... I think my tears are justified. 

I am loved. I am leaving. And I am scared out of my mind... b/c I don't want to lose people in the process of doing what I love. I don't want to lose the family I have here.

So I cry... I have been crying myself to sleep for about a week now... I cry because I am loved. I cry because I love. And I cry because I care.