I cry because I care

In the last year, I have gotten almost everything I ever wanted. Seriously! 

I got friends who really care about my well-being.

I got a relationship with God that is always growing.

I found a passion for art and music that I thought I lost.

I got into an extremely competitive summer art program half way across the world that could basically launch my art into the gallery work force.

I get to go to a monastery that I dreamed of stepping foot inside for years.

I have gotten a lot closer with my Dad and my Mom.

ETC. ETC. ETC.

Everything is falling into place. Part of me is so excited b/c for once in my life, God's plan seems to be matching mine.

Another part of me feels like I'm making a mistake following this dream. In four years, I wont be in Iowa. I will be in an art residency and masters studio classes... Des Moines isn't a place where artists launch a career. I keep telling myself, God is in control - but everything I want, he has given me... except the capability to stay. I'm good at something, but that something isn't here. But the people that I love are here. 

I have people here who care so much. A summer is just long enough for everything and everyone to change... long enough to break my heart. This week has already ripped me into a million pieces. I have cried to God for help... 

Last night was especially hard. I haven't enjoyed myself that much in such a long time. 1:30 am rolls around and almost everyone in that room was asleep... I tucked the boys in and watched more Star Trek (yes, I know... sounds crazy), but I realized how loved I actually was, and felt. Not just the concept of having that love, but that the people in that room have stuck with me through a lot of bad situations this year, and I haven't known them that long. And there I was tucking them in and saying goodnight to my brothers in christ - that have loved me before I knew what love really was. 

So as the really bad actors bounced pretending their ship had been hit, I began to cry. I am glad no one noticed, but at the same time... I think my tears are justified. 

I am loved. I am leaving. And I am scared out of my mind... b/c I don't want to lose people in the process of doing what I love. I don't want to lose the family I have here.

So I cry... I have been crying myself to sleep for about a week now... I cry because I am loved. I cry because I love. And I cry because I care.