I am an artist... not just a christian

I made this blog to prove a point, and lost sight of the end result. I found a love and importance in my religion that I didn't know existed. I found people with similar values and a dedication that only a few friends from prior years have shown me. I found a lot of things that I didn't know exist. And though I found that prayer and these new-found ways make me happy, I was still missing something. I gained so much ... that I can't deny if I tried ... so I wont. I love God. That won't change, but the definition of myself has... and will.

I am an artist... not just a christian. 

I don't spend my days wondering how a person would sacrifice themselves for the good of mankind when people sacrifice themselves everyday for me. People solve problems for me ... and sometimes I don't even realize there is a problem because it is so much bigger than me... than us! And I'm not talking about Jesus... I'm talking about life itself!

I don't spend my days contemplating how the bible is true, because I know it is true. Even though I have questions and can be baffled -  I ask my questions, accept the answers and move on. It is history that I can't dwell on... not just my history, but the history of this world. I wont sit in my confusion or my questions... there is so much more that God gave us. Yes, we are clean of sin because of Jesus and that is great! GREAT beyond belief! But I'm not going to live wondering why God gave his only son... 

Families are giving their only sons everyday for you and me. For peace. For sanity. For hope of a better life. Jesus died with similar things in mind. 

I am an artist who has lost friends in war... has family fight in war... loved ones in war. Jesus died in war just as men are dying today. So yes, thank God ... Thank Jesus... but thank your friends fighting for you. 

This girl who writes to you... was lost because all her focus was on Jesus! My focus isn't meant to only be on Jesus. I keep him in my heart, but I have to keep my family... and most importantly myself in my heart... its not just about you or me though - is it?

 

I am an artist. It is who I am and how I see this world and the one to follow. Art and music define my being in abstract contradictions that others ignore or fail to see at all. My world is always full of new adventures and know that not every story has a happy ending. Sometimes happiness is about the little things life throws at you and how you use those things to strengthen your soul and heart... not just your mind. Inspiration comes from within no one but yourself. 

Be true to yourself and life will bring joy to your canvas.

Live in one thought - and you will live shades of gray for many years... and you may look around and be so incredibly stuck in that one gray vile moment of your life...

I won't be sitting next to you. My colors are clear and vibrant... and not contained by anyone. 

I am not only a christian... 

I am an artist. 

I define myself. 

What I know ... is that I don't know anything

The title pretty much says it all. Some days ALIVE takes the strands of what's left of this ribboned heart and pulls on them a little too hard... Its for my own good, but God smacks me on the back of my head and it hurts.

I am a walking clutz and health hazard.... and all I can do is focus elsewhere... which is also 

A MESS

I pray my friends stop smoking like they say they will

I pray that my friends sort out all these issues I am trying to avoid

I pray that people will actually hear me and acknowledge that I am trying 

I pray I am not tempted by the things I left... I did leave them for a reason

I want to be healed of everything ... all wounds can't be healed, but I wish they could. 

In my brokenness complete

I dont know if that makes me complete... I feel so empty some days. I'm glad I got my ring back. I know that much. (And we all thought I was over that huh? not so much... )

Baby

Okay, so my SB revolved around babies... and my favorite television show just happens to be "The Secret Life of the American Teenager"... that show about that girl who has a baby at age 15. 

I used to watch that show thinking of myself as the baby, but I realize that my life isn't going to be a t.v. show to the masses. It's my life. Though someone gave me away, they were trying to do what was best for me. It is hard to think with that view sometimes. It is easier to feel the abandonment, but I have parents and I wasn't really abandoned exactly. She couldn't take care of me and had a life to live... career goals... dreams and ambitions... and from what I understand, she wasn't in love. I was an accident in her life, but I am a blessing in another family's life. I wasn't the unwanted baby in the birthing center. I just didn't have a home immediately when I took my first breath of fresh air - and that's okay. 

I've just been thinking a lot about those wounds I never took the time to resolve. Part of me isn't resolved and I am realizing that I can't resolve it. It is part of who I am.

Holding all those babies this past week ... all those little eyes looking up at me ... and then watching the season finale...

It wouldn't be so bad to be in Amy's shoes. She got a blessing. She didn't want it, but she got it... and that came with unconditional love. 

What is more amazing than that???

I think I found my weak spot. 

Babies. 

Something here just doesnt feel right

I know that I am probably insane and have been acting funny ever since I got back to school but

the dorm room doesnt feel like mine... the food - not so great... I dont want to start a list because I love drake

Something just doesn't feel right. I could just be nervous for my doctor results Wed. 

Please help me keep a smile on my face. 

Goodnight.

Come on Baby Now...

TWIST AND SHOUT! okay so that was reflex, but seriously, I am having a best friend withdrawal and I left my 2-Disc special edition of Lion King at home! 4 hours with Jess was so not enough and I think I am losing my mind. So now that you know the basics of my "pish posh" Mary Poppins status, I can fill you in on the wonders of a Spring Break surrounded by the mostadoreablegoogleeyeangelfacecutelittlebuttoned babies I have ever seen! 

I went home for Spring Break. I thought that was going to be a huge mistake, but you were right. I had the best time ever and I learned a lot about myself. I took a little detour on a 5 hour train ride to a tiny town near St. Johns Hospital. There! On the eleventh floor! In the west wing! Little baby Rachel was born on June 4th of the year nineteen hundred and ninety with a bellowing scream of awesomeness! But when my scream came to a halt no one was there to put a claim tag on my tiny little pudgy wrist so I was put on the self for a few days to age like all fine wines... aka put in a nursery with a bunch of crazy other babies that totally were not as cool as me. (JK)

Anyhoodles, there was this amazing person - sort of a substitute parental unit that took care of me for three whole long days. Gosh thats a lot of diapers! This woman's name was Sheila and a wonderful woman she is! I have kept in touch with her all of these years and visit every winter break. This year, I didn't have the opportunity to spend time with her, so I visited her family for 2 days. What beautiful babies that hospital has! And what amazing faculty! I may not be able to imagine myself as a tiny 8 pound baby with pink bows taped to my head, but I met many people that haven't seen me since that phase of life. I learned a lot about myself in those 2 days, and am very thankful I had the opportunity to visit St. Johns. 

As soon as I returned, I visited another friend who recently had a baby. Baby Austin was born... *pause*... with ... A MOHAWK! It is the coolest thing I have ever seen. He is a baby with a bright red mohawk of fluff that doesn't go down (even with product - we tried). Holding that baby in my arms was such a special moment for me. To be with that child and know that I will get to see him grow into a man... one day I would be able to say that I held him, watched over him, and I loved him from the day he was born. He was all my friend wanted and no one really knew it. He is such a little blessing. And there is nothing better than surprise blessings like that!

I used to say I never wanted kids... thats a lie. I used to also say that my family is only a small group of people... so not true. Family is not so strict in my book anymore. Life isn't about being popular and having friends and all that stuff you own... even though I admit -

I  - the shopoholic - just saw the movie "Shopoholic"... and it drove me crazy going home and having to pack. I don't think I will even understand the phrase of "packing light"... I hope that corrects itself in time. I saw this movie with that bff I facing withdrawal from. 

I really regret not talking about where I was applying with my BFFs and am so happy I still see them. I think to myself that if I wasn't surrounded by cornfields that my character wouldn't feel like something I have to struggle with. Then, in some ways I am glad I went further away because then I found out how genuine and strong our friendships are. It really is amazing how much you can miss and love your friends. (Girls - I LOVE YOU! but you already knew that)

Moving on :) 

I am loving the idea of family as not just immediate related groups of people but as something you love. 

My crazyamazinginsanebest friends are my family... some of my best friends are literally in my family which is amazing in itself

 *cough* Hannah *cough* - *wink* 

These are people that take care of you when no one else will

People that listen to you cry on the phone for hours

People that send air/virtual hugs

People that give you pink pants because you need new ones *laugh*

People that make you grilled cheese and give you a blanket for your chills...

Heck you get it! That list could go on forever and we all know it. Please also know that 

FAMILY IS NOT LIMITED BY PEOPLE!

Chicago is my family. Springfield is family. St. Louis is family. 

I learn something new every time I am in the city or on the train... did I mention that I love the train... because I LOVE THE TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

(yes, that many explanation marks are necessary!)

Trains are part of my famly. The big buildings that are way too tall for their own good... The lake and sandy beaches that blow salty water in your face... dandelions that we pick on the way to the zoo... I learn so much by being in the city. By entering the city at all - we contribute and let the city grow too! How cool is that?

I feel close to both animate and inanimate objects. So... now would be a good time to let you all know that pet rocks are the new trend and yes... I have one. You should too! Creativity reigns! If I had the time, I could just be watching the world fill with little Monets and Picassos and people that remind me of that guy that does all his art with little dots! I think this is the way life on earth really should be. We are supposed to learn from all we say and do, and have this love for things that are ordinary. Like that rock you are going to name when you get off your computer :)

I may struggle, but everyone I have known since birth has been a part of my heart and is a part of me. My family consists of all I have touched, loved, hated, learned (etc) since June 4th 1990. 

That is me. This is my world. I don't have much to say except... Welcome. 

I would rather pray for you

I thought after the last post that I wouldn't be such an emotional wreck. I thought a lot of things, but I'm still here... and I'm still crying.

I am praying for a lot of things and I hope you know the top item on my list is you.

I am praying for so many things - I can't always keep track:

I am praying for my health to be restored

I am praying that people learn things

I am praying that I stop telling myself lies 

I pray others come to know Christ

I pray I stop crying (*laugh*)

There is just so much that could be directed at improving myself, but in some ways I think that is a waste of my time, b/c I would rather pray for you. I would rather pray that you are happy, learning, successful, etc. 

I would rather pray for you. 

Missing You

I am only just finding out what it means to miss people. That may sound strange, but I used to abuse the phrase "I will miss you". I just said it to make it sound like I cared. 

I know I miss so many that have died. I miss having those people around me. It can really shake a person up when someone you love just disappears... when someone just doesn't come home or doesn't wake up. I am certain that there will always be tears in my eyes when I think of them, but its because of that emptiness that fills you in short bits of time. That was the way I defined missing someone. Emptiness. 

Now I define it as an attachment... when you are so full of joy, and friendship, and love, and encouragement... and then you have to separate yourself from that person - - - 

Now that I have become so totally attached, I'm learning to miss the living:

My mom can't be here when I am sick to take care of me.

My sister isn't here to race my dog to the front door when I get home.

My dad isn't here to watch "dead shows" with me...

No family dinners or movie nights.

I can't go to an SHS pep assembly and sing the national anthem with my friends or help the diversity council with charity events. 

I can't see my best friend everyday or let alone... I can't have a phone conversation with her because I am so caught up in my studies or my art projects. 

That hurts... and you know what hurts just as much...

Knowing that I am going home for a week without you. I can't wait to go home, but it is so heartbreaking to separate myself from this fellowship. This really is my home away from home. 

You all are doing something so incredible this week... you have courage that I hope I can embrace someday. You are sharing truth with the world! And that is such an incredible thing. You have left a seed in my life, and have drastically changed my views of the world in itself. You are helping me grow in my identity (with Christ and as a genuine human being). 

You are the reason I am able to smile everyday. 

Know my spirit is with you, and I will be thinking of you everyday. I will be praying for you with all my heart. Yes, you! 

I really am going to miss you. And I mean that. Otherwise, I wouldn't be crying all over my keyboard (yes, you can laugh :] )

So, in the morning I will be passing out (what a dear friend of mine calls) "freedom cameras". Take pictures of the miracles that are surrounding your life. When you return please give them to me to develop. I will be making one heck of a project -  I promise. 

I am so proud to call you my brothers and sisters - because you really are sharing the light like the sun. 

I miss you already. Have an amazing Spring Break!

p.s. know I love you. 

MISSION WEEK

For those of you going on the mission trips, I wish you the best of luck. For the rest of you, keep praying and keep sharing. I thank God that there is a group of us trying to share the good news in the Chicago Area. I have been reading a lot about sharing and the limitations of a human mind... I think that while sharing, some of these verses could help!

John 5:24

It is urgent that you listen carefully to this: Anyone here who believes what I am saying right now and aligns himself with the Father... has at this very moment the real, lasting life and is no longer condemned to be an outsider. This person has taken a giant step from the world of the dead to the world of the living.

I am alive in Christ Jesus. A lot in my head is based on giant lies - those lies that make up my past are preventing me from sharing the Good News. Keep in mind that sharing the word is a positive, not a negative, and will not hurt anyone. It may provoke interesting discussions, and help you grow in your identity with Christ - as well as plant a seed in another life.

1 Peter 3:15

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.

It's about being real, being genuine, and being you. Yikes! Harder than it sounds - I know.

John 14:6

"Jesus answered ' I am the way and the truth and the life. No on comes to the Father except through me' "

He gave us free will to live as we please... Because God wanted real love from us, he had to give us the ability to choose.

1 Corinthians 2:11

For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.

Ecclesiates 11:5

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in the mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the maker of all things.

God fully understands pain... and all other emotions.

Joshua 1:5

I will always be with you and help you

I am so serious about reaching the people of this world with the message of Jesus.

I pray that:

God gives me the opportunity

God gives me the boldness

God gives me the words

I'm reading about how to TALK TO A FRIEND ABOUT JESUS right now

1. your story

- who God is to you

- what you believe about God

- what God did for you 

- HOW GOD CHANGED YOU... (hint hint - important part)

2. Ask questions like:

- Do you believe in God

- What do you believe about God

- What confuses you most about God

3. Ask them the most important questions:

- Do you know what it means to ask God into your life?

-Do you want to ask him into your life now?

4. SHARE!!!

John 3:16

God loved his people of this world so much that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who has faith in him will have eternal life and never really die.

the point: God loved YOU enough to let HIS SON DIE for YOU. Even though you're NOT PERFECT, he SACRIFICED HIS SON in YOUR PLACE so you could still spend eternity with Him. Talk about some serious love ...

Romans 3:23

All of us have sinned and fallen short of God's glory

Romans 6:23

Sin pays off with death. But God's gift is eternal life given by Jesus Christ our Lord

the point: We're all sinners, and all of us need God's help to get to heaven. Because we are all sinners, we don't deserve to go to heaven. But Jesus died in our place and came back to life. He now offers us the gift of eternal life rather than death. 

Romans 5:8

But God showed us how much he loved us by having Christ die for us, even though we are sinful.

the point: You are so loved by God that he let his son die, so you wouldn't have to spend eternity in hell separated from God. I can't emphasize it enough... HIS SON! HE LET HIS SON DIE!... I don't know any current situations where someone who loved me let HIS SON DIE FOR ME... EXCEPT GOD! Wow. And I mean...

WOW!!!

Romans 10:9-10

So you will be saved, if you honestly say that 'Jesus is Lord' and if you believe with all your heart that God was raised from death. God will accept you and save you if you truly believe this and tell it to others.

the point: If you believe that Jesus died for you and came back to life and you ask him to save you, he will. 

I know for fact he will. He saved me. He is prince of peace. He rescued my heart. I may be afraid but God takes away those fears and replaces them with overflowing joy. 

I hope I get the chance to spread the light over this Spring Break as well. For all of you going overseas, Thank you. Praise God!

The Attitude of Christ

Philippians 2: 3-5

Don't be selfish; Don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don't look out only for your own interests, but take a interest in others too. YOu must have the same attitude that Christ had. 

Philippians 2: 13-18

God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people. Hold firmly to the word of life, then on the day of Christ's return, I will be proud that I didn't not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless. But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a liquid offering to God, just like your faithful service is an offering to God. And I want all of you to share that joy. Yes, you should rejoice, and I will share your joy. 

I am trying to do what pleases my Lord and Savior, but it is such a war. My heart and mind are at war. How do I make them one? How do I fix my own self? I want to be like Him. I want to rejoice in His miracles, in all he has given and taken away... all he has done for me...

But I am so completely stuck in my anger. My heart is drowning it a buildup of hatred that I didn't want in the first place. Satan is taking advantage of me, and I don't know how to make it stop. I hate going backwards and that is exactly what is happening. It's keeping me from knowing Christ.

Philippians 3: 8-11

Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead.

Philippians 3: 12-14

But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus is calling us. 

Please help me move my feet. My mind is there, but where is my heart?

Philippians 4: 6-7

Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Goodnight then.

Spiral Downfall

After the amazing sibling weekend came to a close, reality stepped back into my life. 

Reality can be extremely hurtful. I have situations that I have never confronted. I have things I refuse to think about. There are days that I am so physically tired that I will stay in bed and lie to myself and make those once forgotten self-esteem issues pulse with all the fury of my 18 years combined. When I share things with people, that doesn't mean they are up for discussion or allowed to be mentioned in public. Wearing my heart on my sleeve became one of my self-defense mechanisms - I had to tell people everything. I had to always be peppy and enthusiastic. I had to avoid my problems and distance myself from people. I don't want to do that anymore. 

But right now, I am pushing back anger to find a sadness that just kills your soul. So...

I'm not pulling myself in and hiding how I feel

I'm not separating myself from the world

I'm not going to just be peppy all the time

I am trying to be myself.

And my anger has been exposed in ways that I never wanted. My anger is -in a way- a comfortable way to deal with things, though completely inappropriate. I've been so angry that I sought help. The bible wasn't comforting me, helping me, or teaching me... I think my stubbornness was getting in the way.

2 Corinthians 10:5

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive ever thought to make it obedient to Christ.

I am supposed to focus on this verse. This verse is about focusing on Christ in your actions and in your thoughts. The little insignificant things that bring sparks of anger have now grown into a blazing fire. Satan is starting to build a wall in the distance I've put between my problems, other people, and myself. With me - so much is a "fine line"; its an unintentional part of who I was that carried over into this new heart. I cant remove that "fine line", but I can change preferences to benefit other people and try not to let things go straight to my heart - skipping my brain and all things logical.

But logic has never been my forte and giving grace is so extremely difficult for me. Satan is pulling me down with every situation I have never confronted - past to present. Feeling weak doesnt make this any easier. 

I can't deal with it all. I'm emotionally and physically incapable. I know what is right and I will follow my Lord. I guess I must really ask WWJD to get rid of it all... its the process that kills me.

Matthew 16:23

Get behind me Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the thing of men.

So I look to my Lord and I pray I do not fall like this ever again.

Ephesians 4:26

In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

Gosh- I really need to focus on linking my mind and my heart. I'm starting to feel invisible again.

"Grace overwhelms my broken-ness"... If only I knew how.