The Call - my sister and me

Ever seen the Narnia movies? There is a song titled "The Call" that I used in many speeches to help explain many things in my head... in my heart. I like how music can match thoughts and help get people through pain. I think that is why I love the fine arts as a whole; Its takes away pain.

My biggest pain was the topic of our psychology class today. My adoption situation kept me from fulfilling assignments and has caused many issues this month. I can't make a real family tree. I don't know my medical history. Etc. Etc. Etc. My sister and I are very close because we are both adopted, but today I finally understood why it is even harder for her. Our class discussed the affects of alcohol and drugs on the fetus and what disabilities the child must deal with IF it survives birth. My sister survived birth and 16 wonderful years... And today, I feel a pain... that I cant cure for her. I can't do anything to change the facts. All I can do is love her. Sometimes I wonder if that is enough. She is my other half. I've sacrificed so much for her, and I would give up everything I own... Everything I love... to give her what she needs. I can't imagine life without her. She is my biggest blessing.

Right now, I'm making a decision. I'm tired of being told my family is going to hell. I am tired of being treated like being who I am isn't good enough. I'm tired of having friends that only are my friends when it is convenient for them. I am so tired, that art isn't enough. I pray and pray... but my prayers haven't been answered yet. I think I turned down the biggest opportunity in my lifetime to try and make Des Moines my home... but its not. I got 23 art residency offers for BFA Studio and BA Art History and some even for Art Therapy (which is my goal after undergrad). I turned down every last one of those offers. Every last one of them! I look back and think maybe God gave me those offers that I so desired because I deserved to be happy... not because he was testing me and trying to see if I would stay with this fellowship. He was giving me gifts and I turned them down!

Now, I'm dancing to get myself though the week in one piece.... calling my best friend every night so I don't cry to sleep. I drag myself out of bed every morning. My sister needs me. I need to be happy. And I need to fix this. I just don't know how to do that yet.

So I listen to "the Call"... and make my words grow into battle cries.... bring my memories before my eyes... because right now, thats all I can do. Wait for the next call to find what I left behind... what I didn't have to leave behind.

no one is "just like me"

This summer I learned a lot about myself. I was forced to look back and reflect upon my oh-so-long 19 years of life. I am one lucky girl. In the mist of the hell I was, and still am, confronting, I was given an amazing support system. As of two hours ago, my reflections were debated and concluded as worthless by this very support system. They told me that I do art because it is reliable, safe, and something that no one can do "just like me". I am my own person and I strive to be different. After reliving my past through one hell of a conversation... I realized that they were right. Isolated and left to cry my brains out... I admitted hurt. I am hurting by trying not to get hurt. That may not make sense to any of you, but I am afraid to get hurt... but by only doing art, I hurt. Without art, I hurt even more. There is no winning for me here.

Art is who I am. I can't distinguish between the two anymore. And I don't want to. All I want is art. I long for art when I am not in the studio. I can't enjoy time with friends... not simply because of the time limitations in my schedule... I cant enjoy that time with friends because when I am with my friends, I'm not whole. I feel that I am only friends with people when it is convenient for their religious and social views. I am not accepted the way I am. I am art. Art is politics and debates... its criticism and acceptance even in failure... its the risks and outcomes... its annoying,and uncomfortable and strange... irritating... confrontation... the feeling like you are on top of the world... confined and released... air.... joy... peace... LIFE. Art is life.

And if you tell me its all about jesus or all about greek parties, there is a high/ almost 100% chance that I would slap you right about now. I believe in Jesus and God... I also believe in support systems like greek row... but those fellowships or groups shouldn't define you or limit your life to one thing. What are you passionate about? What do you do outside of prayer? I am passionate about art. Art is not clearly defined. Art can be anything... anywhere... with or without anyone. Art makes me ... me. And it makes me feel safe.

Take that away, and you're at a loss... because no one can do art like me. No one can be me. This is my life ... and my time... so if you don't like me as I am .... if you don't like my art...

Screw/ *put "f" word here* you.

And if you think that my family is going to hell for being full of individuals with different cultures, passions, and a strength that you wish you had...

Repeat the above swear numerous times.

There is nothing left to say to you. You know who you are.

"Fritzi and Me"

The other night I watched a movie titled "Marley and Me" with the understanding that it was supposed to be comical. I admit that parts of the movie did meet that expectation, but the rest of it reminded me of "Fritzi and Me"... my home videos with my dog. 

There was a time when I was overweight, had braces, and only 4 friends at the lunch table... only 2 of those friends kept in touch through high school... one through my first year of college... but people are people. Sometimes, it can be hard to rely on people to stick with you through hard situations. It is hard to find people that will love you  no matter what happens or what other people say. Thats why when I turned 8, and my sister was turning 4, we adopted Fritz (my dog). I chose to put on an act for years... and I realize that in the end, it has always been "Fritzi and Me". I left messages on the house phone while I was in Italy so that he could hear my voice on the answering machine. I skyped him as much as I could at school. He takes road trips with me to St. Louis and back. He watches movies, goes running, listens to me, cries with me... He is my best friend. He knows more about me than anyone else in the world. He has all my secrets.

Now, my best friend is 11 years old... and he is losing function of his legs. I think I must have been contagious or something, but he is old for a dog. He is moving so much slower and he is getting pushed aside so people can admire the new puppy my sister just brought home. He looked and me and there was a moment where I empathized with him. I know what it is like to be pushed aside for the younger more attractive one... but Fritz and I ... we're something special. He makes me feel special. We were outcast, but we had and still have each other. I just hope it lasts longer than I have been told.

In the movie "Marley and Me", the dog has to be put down. I'm afraid that may be me soon... at the vet with my dog. The only difference is that its not any ordinary dog... He's my other half. 

The Summer of 2009

This summer I decided that I was going to figure out where I was going with my art. Art is a big part of who I am and how I react to situations. 

Art has pushed me this summer:

I went to Italy only to confirm how much I love what I do. I learned more in 5 and 1/2 weeks than I did in the entire past year of college. This struck a bit of a nerve with me once I returned home and compared the amount of SACI work, and the quality of that work, to my Drake work. There was not only more SACI work, but my SACI work was much better than the Drake art work. (YIKES)

Art has been my joy:

I shared my love for drawing with little kids in Impruneta. I love when smiles are contagious. I love how I can share something I am passionate about with other people around the world. ART IS A UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE! HOW COOL IS THAT?!

Art has been my therapy:

Since my return from my crazy adventures via vespa, I have become very weak. Its like one of my "weak days" times ten. While incapable to move by entire body by myself, I had full control of my hands. I was able to alter my photos (via computer), print them, trace, and color alterations into a twenty piece series of architectural drawings based on my favorite places in Italia. Though I did watch my fair share of NCIS and BONES, I spent majority of my time drawing in the company of my family's two dogs. 

Art has always been my therapy. When something interesting or important crosses my mind, I write how I would draw that "something". My thoughts can be read later and applied to paper, canvas, walls... haha. I found that the world is my medium. I say that with limitations, b/c like me, everything on earth has its limitations.

Within my limitations... I have decided that I will pursue art therapy and help people use art as a method of recovery, as I have used it many times for such purposes. My goal is to, one day, work at the Children's Memorial Hospital of Chicago... spreading smiles to people that really need them. 

How I'm going to meet my goal, I'm not sure yet :) I'll find a way. Even if it isn't Children's Memorial... and life doesn't work how we plan, everything usually works out for the best anyway. In the meantime - having a goal is a good place to start.

Thank you.

I know that my thoughts and emotions have been in a constant ADD phase and I apologize. I also am sorry if I have randomly stopped you for a hug or a tissue and you were on the move/ on the way to a final exam.

I just really want to express my gratitude. So many of you went out of your way to get to know me and help me. This year has been extremely difficult - not simply in "the adjusting to college" bit, but academically, physically, emotionally difficult. 

You served me when I couldn't serve you:

When I was sick, numerous people would run for tylenol. People would sacrifice their time to assist me in my healing... and still do on my "weak days".

I even remember throwing up in someone's car... But no one yelled at me, or freaked out... they just helped me back into bed and waited for me to fall asleep.  

When I cried, people knew what to say, gave me hugs, distracted me from what bothered me. 

I would bombard people with questions and "hypothetical situations" at the most inconvenient time, yet you opened your hearts and answered me... even if it took 3 hours of your day when you could be studying.

I remember 2-D projects in the Carpenter lobby ... half of our bible study stayed in that lobby until I finished. People got me caffine and made me laugh until I cried. Staying up until 3 or 4 am with you guys isn't hard at all! :) In fact, I really enjoy spending time with you - no matter what time of day or night it is.

Now, having proved how much you loved me in the way you have served me, I have to thank you. You have become a huge part of my heart. I don't know if I could have made it through this year with out you!!! I MEAN THAT! I couldn't have done anything with out you. 

Thank you for simply being there. 

*Round of applause*

Thank you for being you.

I cry because I care

In the last year, I have gotten almost everything I ever wanted. Seriously! 

I got friends who really care about my well-being.

I got a relationship with God that is always growing.

I found a passion for art and music that I thought I lost.

I got into an extremely competitive summer art program half way across the world that could basically launch my art into the gallery work force.

I get to go to a monastery that I dreamed of stepping foot inside for years.

I have gotten a lot closer with my Dad and my Mom.

ETC. ETC. ETC.

Everything is falling into place. Part of me is so excited b/c for once in my life, God's plan seems to be matching mine.

Another part of me feels like I'm making a mistake following this dream. In four years, I wont be in Iowa. I will be in an art residency and masters studio classes... Des Moines isn't a place where artists launch a career. I keep telling myself, God is in control - but everything I want, he has given me... except the capability to stay. I'm good at something, but that something isn't here. But the people that I love are here. 

I have people here who care so much. A summer is just long enough for everything and everyone to change... long enough to break my heart. This week has already ripped me into a million pieces. I have cried to God for help... 

Last night was especially hard. I haven't enjoyed myself that much in such a long time. 1:30 am rolls around and almost everyone in that room was asleep... I tucked the boys in and watched more Star Trek (yes, I know... sounds crazy), but I realized how loved I actually was, and felt. Not just the concept of having that love, but that the people in that room have stuck with me through a lot of bad situations this year, and I haven't known them that long. And there I was tucking them in and saying goodnight to my brothers in christ - that have loved me before I knew what love really was. 

So as the really bad actors bounced pretending their ship had been hit, I began to cry. I am glad no one noticed, but at the same time... I think my tears are justified. 

I am loved. I am leaving. And I am scared out of my mind... b/c I don't want to lose people in the process of doing what I love. I don't want to lose the family I have here.

So I cry... I have been crying myself to sleep for about a week now... I cry because I am loved. I cry because I love. And I cry because I care.

Daddy

I know my family is 6 hours away, but I worry a lot about them.

I know my family can take care of themselves, but I want to help them.

I know my family is capable of so many things, but I want to teach them.

In the economic state of our country and the changes we are being told to make, people's lives are in panic. People are feeling loss in an opposite way that I am. My family and I are fortunate and have so many things that others dont, but when it comes down it...

I have been working hard and trying to do good - in a feeling of loss. I have been trying to help, but it keeps me from little things that other people have. People may panic, but have so much to drive them. 

I dont have time to be with my friends. I dont have time to paint the streets for the 100th year of Relays. I dont have time to go to dinner with people. I dont have time to go to church events. I DONT HAVE TIME and it is THE MOST HORRIBLE FEELING you could ever have. 

Heck, I dont have time to do laundry. Chores! In College! 

And if I didn't get bread for my PB Sandwches a few days ago, I probably wouldnt be eating!

I've learned that I am a lot like my Daddy. He is a very independent person. He is a strong person. He is a stubborn person. He is a loving person.

And When you love someone, you help them.

When you love someone, you take care of them - if they need you or not

When you love someone, you teach them all you know -  so that they can live to their full potential. 

I used to say that my Daddy was anti-social and a workaholic but I was wrong. I just didn't understand. He works with his friends everyday. He learns from them everyday. And He loves his job. He does what he loves, which not only allows him a network of friends with so much in common, but his job provides for a family... He cares for us. Countless days he has helped me with homework, gone to performances and recitals, played catch in the backyard, took me to dance classes, let me play piano at the same time as the "big game", protectively watched me do flippy-du-dads on the trampoline from the kitchen window, reminded me of the flying worm and kiki... 

He was and is always there. For me. For his friends. And his co-workers. 

He has been making changes as I have. He has been feeling pain and loss like I have. He is very much a similar individual as myself. 

I am thankful for my Daddy. 

I am so thankful that I know these words are not enough... never will be enough.

You chose me. You have taken me in. You have loved me, helped me, and cared for me... and I cant even count how many times you worried about me :)

You were there. You are here. You will always be here. 

The heart is a powerful thing.

A response

 I want to give the love in my heart, but I can't get past the anger hiding in the shadows. It is unnecessary anger, but its there. It is hard to deal with things that you avoided for so many years. 

How do I love others when I am struggling to even love myself... to hold on to God's love. I am not meeting my expectations. I know I will always fall short. I am so undeserving of God's love. 

I thank God... for being God.

Let It Go

"I gotta let it go. I gotta let. it. go. All the pain is dry. I gotta let it go. And move on with my life."

I gotta listen to some of those songs I love more closely. They speak louder than any words I can find.

"Where do I go? Every direction seems to be against the flow. Who will I be? What does it mean to just be me? So tired of having to choose... where I'll be and what I'm going to do...

Lost is confusion. I feel like I'm losing it all. Where do I go from here? No who's going to break my fall... nothing is clear... so where do I go from here?"

I know ... I've been praying a lot. I'm been under a lot of stress and haven't found the words to ask for prayer either. 

God will help... things take time. 

Funny what you learn in four hours

I am on a little vacation I guess you could say... and its Easter Weekend. My family is so incredible... maybe crazy, insane, eccentric, pregnant (all the time)...

BUT I LOVE IT!

It fills me with memories and stories and smiles... enough smiles to bring back and share with all of you. I met a lot of my grandpapa's friends tonight and got to see little Trey finally befriend my dog - aka Pup-op! I learn about the little things I take for granted.

Being at school - if someone tells me something is wrong, doesnt mean I absorb it. I havent witnessed it... I havent seen it... or experienced it. I can't learn everything by books and being told things... its just not how us fine arts people work.

I am home with my sister and laughing about ceranwrap and plastic or how to march in a circle the right way... its just so funny to be with my family. Its going to be hard to leave sunday.

This weekend is so refreshing

hm?

I don't know... so i'm taking a break to figure out all the stuff in my head

Who am I?

I wrote a previous post about how I feel... the logic behind it is not so simple.

I went from one extreme to the other... and in the motions, I skipped over some things I thought weren't important. I am not really going backwards in terms of my faith or how I think, but I do have to review older thought processes and fix the things I skipped over.

With this amazing speaker in town - so much is being thrown in every direction... 

I am listening with my mind and my heart and am struggling to now clear the prior fuzziness. People try to give advice and I get even more confused. 

What I need is to define myself - by myself - in time and I know that is extremely difficult. Part of that is strongly connected to my love of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, but part of it is just me.

I was alone for all of 5 seconds this morning and my heart just stopped. I realized that no matter how much I love people, this life is temporary and I need to find my identity in Christ and one that fits here in this life... and it may sound sketchy but I want a middle ground. 

Thats all I ever wanted was a middle ground... and peer pressure isn't helping me find myself. Please keep in mind that I did come from extremes when giving me advice... I want constructive criticism, not more hurt than I already have... but I do want help. 

I am pulling myself apart one piece at a time... all I want to know is

Where do I fit?

I am an artist... not just a christian

I made this blog to prove a point, and lost sight of the end result. I found a love and importance in my religion that I didn't know existed. I found people with similar values and a dedication that only a few friends from prior years have shown me. I found a lot of things that I didn't know exist. And though I found that prayer and these new-found ways make me happy, I was still missing something. I gained so much ... that I can't deny if I tried ... so I wont. I love God. That won't change, but the definition of myself has... and will.

I am an artist... not just a christian. 

I don't spend my days wondering how a person would sacrifice themselves for the good of mankind when people sacrifice themselves everyday for me. People solve problems for me ... and sometimes I don't even realize there is a problem because it is so much bigger than me... than us! And I'm not talking about Jesus... I'm talking about life itself!

I don't spend my days contemplating how the bible is true, because I know it is true. Even though I have questions and can be baffled -  I ask my questions, accept the answers and move on. It is history that I can't dwell on... not just my history, but the history of this world. I wont sit in my confusion or my questions... there is so much more that God gave us. Yes, we are clean of sin because of Jesus and that is great! GREAT beyond belief! But I'm not going to live wondering why God gave his only son... 

Families are giving their only sons everyday for you and me. For peace. For sanity. For hope of a better life. Jesus died with similar things in mind. 

I am an artist who has lost friends in war... has family fight in war... loved ones in war. Jesus died in war just as men are dying today. So yes, thank God ... Thank Jesus... but thank your friends fighting for you. 

This girl who writes to you... was lost because all her focus was on Jesus! My focus isn't meant to only be on Jesus. I keep him in my heart, but I have to keep my family... and most importantly myself in my heart... its not just about you or me though - is it?

 

I am an artist. It is who I am and how I see this world and the one to follow. Art and music define my being in abstract contradictions that others ignore or fail to see at all. My world is always full of new adventures and know that not every story has a happy ending. Sometimes happiness is about the little things life throws at you and how you use those things to strengthen your soul and heart... not just your mind. Inspiration comes from within no one but yourself. 

Be true to yourself and life will bring joy to your canvas.

Live in one thought - and you will live shades of gray for many years... and you may look around and be so incredibly stuck in that one gray vile moment of your life...

I won't be sitting next to you. My colors are clear and vibrant... and not contained by anyone. 

I am not only a christian... 

I am an artist. 

I define myself. 

What I know ... is that I don't know anything

The title pretty much says it all. Some days ALIVE takes the strands of what's left of this ribboned heart and pulls on them a little too hard... Its for my own good, but God smacks me on the back of my head and it hurts.

I am a walking clutz and health hazard.... and all I can do is focus elsewhere... which is also 

A MESS

I pray my friends stop smoking like they say they will

I pray that my friends sort out all these issues I am trying to avoid

I pray that people will actually hear me and acknowledge that I am trying 

I pray I am not tempted by the things I left... I did leave them for a reason

I want to be healed of everything ... all wounds can't be healed, but I wish they could. 

In my brokenness complete

I dont know if that makes me complete... I feel so empty some days. I'm glad I got my ring back. I know that much. (And we all thought I was over that huh? not so much... )

Baby

Okay, so my SB revolved around babies... and my favorite television show just happens to be "The Secret Life of the American Teenager"... that show about that girl who has a baby at age 15. 

I used to watch that show thinking of myself as the baby, but I realize that my life isn't going to be a t.v. show to the masses. It's my life. Though someone gave me away, they were trying to do what was best for me. It is hard to think with that view sometimes. It is easier to feel the abandonment, but I have parents and I wasn't really abandoned exactly. She couldn't take care of me and had a life to live... career goals... dreams and ambitions... and from what I understand, she wasn't in love. I was an accident in her life, but I am a blessing in another family's life. I wasn't the unwanted baby in the birthing center. I just didn't have a home immediately when I took my first breath of fresh air - and that's okay. 

I've just been thinking a lot about those wounds I never took the time to resolve. Part of me isn't resolved and I am realizing that I can't resolve it. It is part of who I am.

Holding all those babies this past week ... all those little eyes looking up at me ... and then watching the season finale...

It wouldn't be so bad to be in Amy's shoes. She got a blessing. She didn't want it, but she got it... and that came with unconditional love. 

What is more amazing than that???

I think I found my weak spot. 

Babies. 

Something here just doesnt feel right

I know that I am probably insane and have been acting funny ever since I got back to school but

the dorm room doesnt feel like mine... the food - not so great... I dont want to start a list because I love drake

Something just doesn't feel right. I could just be nervous for my doctor results Wed. 

Please help me keep a smile on my face. 

Goodnight.

Come on Baby Now...

TWIST AND SHOUT! okay so that was reflex, but seriously, I am having a best friend withdrawal and I left my 2-Disc special edition of Lion King at home! 4 hours with Jess was so not enough and I think I am losing my mind. So now that you know the basics of my "pish posh" Mary Poppins status, I can fill you in on the wonders of a Spring Break surrounded by the mostadoreablegoogleeyeangelfacecutelittlebuttoned babies I have ever seen! 

I went home for Spring Break. I thought that was going to be a huge mistake, but you were right. I had the best time ever and I learned a lot about myself. I took a little detour on a 5 hour train ride to a tiny town near St. Johns Hospital. There! On the eleventh floor! In the west wing! Little baby Rachel was born on June 4th of the year nineteen hundred and ninety with a bellowing scream of awesomeness! But when my scream came to a halt no one was there to put a claim tag on my tiny little pudgy wrist so I was put on the self for a few days to age like all fine wines... aka put in a nursery with a bunch of crazy other babies that totally were not as cool as me. (JK)

Anyhoodles, there was this amazing person - sort of a substitute parental unit that took care of me for three whole long days. Gosh thats a lot of diapers! This woman's name was Sheila and a wonderful woman she is! I have kept in touch with her all of these years and visit every winter break. This year, I didn't have the opportunity to spend time with her, so I visited her family for 2 days. What beautiful babies that hospital has! And what amazing faculty! I may not be able to imagine myself as a tiny 8 pound baby with pink bows taped to my head, but I met many people that haven't seen me since that phase of life. I learned a lot about myself in those 2 days, and am very thankful I had the opportunity to visit St. Johns. 

As soon as I returned, I visited another friend who recently had a baby. Baby Austin was born... *pause*... with ... A MOHAWK! It is the coolest thing I have ever seen. He is a baby with a bright red mohawk of fluff that doesn't go down (even with product - we tried). Holding that baby in my arms was such a special moment for me. To be with that child and know that I will get to see him grow into a man... one day I would be able to say that I held him, watched over him, and I loved him from the day he was born. He was all my friend wanted and no one really knew it. He is such a little blessing. And there is nothing better than surprise blessings like that!

I used to say I never wanted kids... thats a lie. I used to also say that my family is only a small group of people... so not true. Family is not so strict in my book anymore. Life isn't about being popular and having friends and all that stuff you own... even though I admit -

I  - the shopoholic - just saw the movie "Shopoholic"... and it drove me crazy going home and having to pack. I don't think I will even understand the phrase of "packing light"... I hope that corrects itself in time. I saw this movie with that bff I facing withdrawal from. 

I really regret not talking about where I was applying with my BFFs and am so happy I still see them. I think to myself that if I wasn't surrounded by cornfields that my character wouldn't feel like something I have to struggle with. Then, in some ways I am glad I went further away because then I found out how genuine and strong our friendships are. It really is amazing how much you can miss and love your friends. (Girls - I LOVE YOU! but you already knew that)

Moving on :) 

I am loving the idea of family as not just immediate related groups of people but as something you love. 

My crazyamazinginsanebest friends are my family... some of my best friends are literally in my family which is amazing in itself

 *cough* Hannah *cough* - *wink* 

These are people that take care of you when no one else will

People that listen to you cry on the phone for hours

People that send air/virtual hugs

People that give you pink pants because you need new ones *laugh*

People that make you grilled cheese and give you a blanket for your chills...

Heck you get it! That list could go on forever and we all know it. Please also know that 

FAMILY IS NOT LIMITED BY PEOPLE!

Chicago is my family. Springfield is family. St. Louis is family. 

I learn something new every time I am in the city or on the train... did I mention that I love the train... because I LOVE THE TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

(yes, that many explanation marks are necessary!)

Trains are part of my famly. The big buildings that are way too tall for their own good... The lake and sandy beaches that blow salty water in your face... dandelions that we pick on the way to the zoo... I learn so much by being in the city. By entering the city at all - we contribute and let the city grow too! How cool is that?

I feel close to both animate and inanimate objects. So... now would be a good time to let you all know that pet rocks are the new trend and yes... I have one. You should too! Creativity reigns! If I had the time, I could just be watching the world fill with little Monets and Picassos and people that remind me of that guy that does all his art with little dots! I think this is the way life on earth really should be. We are supposed to learn from all we say and do, and have this love for things that are ordinary. Like that rock you are going to name when you get off your computer :)

I may struggle, but everyone I have known since birth has been a part of my heart and is a part of me. My family consists of all I have touched, loved, hated, learned (etc) since June 4th 1990. 

That is me. This is my world. I don't have much to say except... Welcome. 

I would rather pray for you

I thought after the last post that I wouldn't be such an emotional wreck. I thought a lot of things, but I'm still here... and I'm still crying.

I am praying for a lot of things and I hope you know the top item on my list is you.

I am praying for so many things - I can't always keep track:

I am praying for my health to be restored

I am praying that people learn things

I am praying that I stop telling myself lies 

I pray others come to know Christ

I pray I stop crying (*laugh*)

There is just so much that could be directed at improving myself, but in some ways I think that is a waste of my time, b/c I would rather pray for you. I would rather pray that you are happy, learning, successful, etc. 

I would rather pray for you. 

Missing You

I am only just finding out what it means to miss people. That may sound strange, but I used to abuse the phrase "I will miss you". I just said it to make it sound like I cared. 

I know I miss so many that have died. I miss having those people around me. It can really shake a person up when someone you love just disappears... when someone just doesn't come home or doesn't wake up. I am certain that there will always be tears in my eyes when I think of them, but its because of that emptiness that fills you in short bits of time. That was the way I defined missing someone. Emptiness. 

Now I define it as an attachment... when you are so full of joy, and friendship, and love, and encouragement... and then you have to separate yourself from that person - - - 

Now that I have become so totally attached, I'm learning to miss the living:

My mom can't be here when I am sick to take care of me.

My sister isn't here to race my dog to the front door when I get home.

My dad isn't here to watch "dead shows" with me...

No family dinners or movie nights.

I can't go to an SHS pep assembly and sing the national anthem with my friends or help the diversity council with charity events. 

I can't see my best friend everyday or let alone... I can't have a phone conversation with her because I am so caught up in my studies or my art projects. 

That hurts... and you know what hurts just as much...

Knowing that I am going home for a week without you. I can't wait to go home, but it is so heartbreaking to separate myself from this fellowship. This really is my home away from home. 

You all are doing something so incredible this week... you have courage that I hope I can embrace someday. You are sharing truth with the world! And that is such an incredible thing. You have left a seed in my life, and have drastically changed my views of the world in itself. You are helping me grow in my identity (with Christ and as a genuine human being). 

You are the reason I am able to smile everyday. 

Know my spirit is with you, and I will be thinking of you everyday. I will be praying for you with all my heart. Yes, you! 

I really am going to miss you. And I mean that. Otherwise, I wouldn't be crying all over my keyboard (yes, you can laugh :] )

So, in the morning I will be passing out (what a dear friend of mine calls) "freedom cameras". Take pictures of the miracles that are surrounding your life. When you return please give them to me to develop. I will be making one heck of a project -  I promise. 

I am so proud to call you my brothers and sisters - because you really are sharing the light like the sun. 

I miss you already. Have an amazing Spring Break!

p.s. know I love you. 

MISSION WEEK

For those of you going on the mission trips, I wish you the best of luck. For the rest of you, keep praying and keep sharing. I thank God that there is a group of us trying to share the good news in the Chicago Area. I have been reading a lot about sharing and the limitations of a human mind... I think that while sharing, some of these verses could help!

John 5:24

It is urgent that you listen carefully to this: Anyone here who believes what I am saying right now and aligns himself with the Father... has at this very moment the real, lasting life and is no longer condemned to be an outsider. This person has taken a giant step from the world of the dead to the world of the living.

I am alive in Christ Jesus. A lot in my head is based on giant lies - those lies that make up my past are preventing me from sharing the Good News. Keep in mind that sharing the word is a positive, not a negative, and will not hurt anyone. It may provoke interesting discussions, and help you grow in your identity with Christ - as well as plant a seed in another life.

1 Peter 3:15

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.

It's about being real, being genuine, and being you. Yikes! Harder than it sounds - I know.

John 14:6

"Jesus answered ' I am the way and the truth and the life. No on comes to the Father except through me' "

He gave us free will to live as we please... Because God wanted real love from us, he had to give us the ability to choose.

1 Corinthians 2:11

For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.

Ecclesiates 11:5

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in the mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the maker of all things.

God fully understands pain... and all other emotions.

Joshua 1:5

I will always be with you and help you

I am so serious about reaching the people of this world with the message of Jesus.

I pray that:

God gives me the opportunity

God gives me the boldness

God gives me the words

I'm reading about how to TALK TO A FRIEND ABOUT JESUS right now

1. your story

- who God is to you

- what you believe about God

- what God did for you 

- HOW GOD CHANGED YOU... (hint hint - important part)

2. Ask questions like:

- Do you believe in God

- What do you believe about God

- What confuses you most about God

3. Ask them the most important questions:

- Do you know what it means to ask God into your life?

-Do you want to ask him into your life now?

4. SHARE!!!

John 3:16

God loved his people of this world so much that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who has faith in him will have eternal life and never really die.

the point: God loved YOU enough to let HIS SON DIE for YOU. Even though you're NOT PERFECT, he SACRIFICED HIS SON in YOUR PLACE so you could still spend eternity with Him. Talk about some serious love ...

Romans 3:23

All of us have sinned and fallen short of God's glory

Romans 6:23

Sin pays off with death. But God's gift is eternal life given by Jesus Christ our Lord

the point: We're all sinners, and all of us need God's help to get to heaven. Because we are all sinners, we don't deserve to go to heaven. But Jesus died in our place and came back to life. He now offers us the gift of eternal life rather than death. 

Romans 5:8

But God showed us how much he loved us by having Christ die for us, even though we are sinful.

the point: You are so loved by God that he let his son die, so you wouldn't have to spend eternity in hell separated from God. I can't emphasize it enough... HIS SON! HE LET HIS SON DIE!... I don't know any current situations where someone who loved me let HIS SON DIE FOR ME... EXCEPT GOD! Wow. And I mean...

WOW!!!

Romans 10:9-10

So you will be saved, if you honestly say that 'Jesus is Lord' and if you believe with all your heart that God was raised from death. God will accept you and save you if you truly believe this and tell it to others.

the point: If you believe that Jesus died for you and came back to life and you ask him to save you, he will. 

I know for fact he will. He saved me. He is prince of peace. He rescued my heart. I may be afraid but God takes away those fears and replaces them with overflowing joy. 

I hope I get the chance to spread the light over this Spring Break as well. For all of you going overseas, Thank you. Praise God!

The Attitude of Christ

Philippians 2: 3-5

Don't be selfish; Don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don't look out only for your own interests, but take a interest in others too. YOu must have the same attitude that Christ had. 

Philippians 2: 13-18

God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people. Hold firmly to the word of life, then on the day of Christ's return, I will be proud that I didn't not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless. But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a liquid offering to God, just like your faithful service is an offering to God. And I want all of you to share that joy. Yes, you should rejoice, and I will share your joy. 

I am trying to do what pleases my Lord and Savior, but it is such a war. My heart and mind are at war. How do I make them one? How do I fix my own self? I want to be like Him. I want to rejoice in His miracles, in all he has given and taken away... all he has done for me...

But I am so completely stuck in my anger. My heart is drowning it a buildup of hatred that I didn't want in the first place. Satan is taking advantage of me, and I don't know how to make it stop. I hate going backwards and that is exactly what is happening. It's keeping me from knowing Christ.

Philippians 3: 8-11

Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead.

Philippians 3: 12-14

But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus is calling us. 

Please help me move my feet. My mind is there, but where is my heart?

Philippians 4: 6-7

Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Goodnight then.

Spiral Downfall

After the amazing sibling weekend came to a close, reality stepped back into my life. 

Reality can be extremely hurtful. I have situations that I have never confronted. I have things I refuse to think about. There are days that I am so physically tired that I will stay in bed and lie to myself and make those once forgotten self-esteem issues pulse with all the fury of my 18 years combined. When I share things with people, that doesn't mean they are up for discussion or allowed to be mentioned in public. Wearing my heart on my sleeve became one of my self-defense mechanisms - I had to tell people everything. I had to always be peppy and enthusiastic. I had to avoid my problems and distance myself from people. I don't want to do that anymore. 

But right now, I am pushing back anger to find a sadness that just kills your soul. So...

I'm not pulling myself in and hiding how I feel

I'm not separating myself from the world

I'm not going to just be peppy all the time

I am trying to be myself.

And my anger has been exposed in ways that I never wanted. My anger is -in a way- a comfortable way to deal with things, though completely inappropriate. I've been so angry that I sought help. The bible wasn't comforting me, helping me, or teaching me... I think my stubbornness was getting in the way.

2 Corinthians 10:5

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive ever thought to make it obedient to Christ.

I am supposed to focus on this verse. This verse is about focusing on Christ in your actions and in your thoughts. The little insignificant things that bring sparks of anger have now grown into a blazing fire. Satan is starting to build a wall in the distance I've put between my problems, other people, and myself. With me - so much is a "fine line"; its an unintentional part of who I was that carried over into this new heart. I cant remove that "fine line", but I can change preferences to benefit other people and try not to let things go straight to my heart - skipping my brain and all things logical.

But logic has never been my forte and giving grace is so extremely difficult for me. Satan is pulling me down with every situation I have never confronted - past to present. Feeling weak doesnt make this any easier. 

I can't deal with it all. I'm emotionally and physically incapable. I know what is right and I will follow my Lord. I guess I must really ask WWJD to get rid of it all... its the process that kills me.

Matthew 16:23

Get behind me Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the thing of men.

So I look to my Lord and I pray I do not fall like this ever again.

Ephesians 4:26

In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

Gosh- I really need to focus on linking my mind and my heart. I'm starting to feel invisible again.

"Grace overwhelms my broken-ness"... If only I knew how.

Stay or Go? A small sacrifice...

I thought it was hard to pick up and just move away from home. It is still is hard to think about my family. I get homesick easily. But I know that in comparison to what I gave up in dear old Illinois, God gave so much more. He gave his one and only son's life for mine. I have to honor that. God has given me so much to love in this life... He gave me life. 

God wants me not to just love my family, but reach out to new people - and love them as well. 

" If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors can do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect"

(Matthew 5:46 - 48)

I am here to share the love I have in my heart. Even though it hurts to be away from my family, I must stay. I am supposed to share my light like the sun...

And oh - yes, three sunny days in a row. I've been praying for it :)

I HAVE A CLONE!!!

I was told I have a clone, so I went hunting to find out if that is true. I found my clone is named Kendra, and is the most amazing girl ever!

We both watch "dead shows" like Law and Order, CSI, House, Without a Trace, Bones...

We both watch Disney Channel... and adore everything else Disney...

We both are medical disasters waiting to happen...

We both love the colors green and purple...

We both love Peter Pan ...

We both are random in all that we do...

We both are "daddy's girls"...

We both are "night owls"

We both love crayons by crayola... and drawing in coloring books...

THE LIST GOES ON AND ON... BELIEVE ME! 

I just think that this is an incredible discovery that has to be shared with the world... well, maybe not that extreme but close. I love this girl!

Biology is not both cool and gross

"You want to see something cool and gross"... I walked into my biology class at 9am and that was the first thing that I heard. Something cool and gross - Possible but Unlikely. When I study biology, things usually fall into one category or the other... not both. 

There are many reasons why I would not make a good biology major... like the fact that I have arachnophobia... I'm really afraid of spiders.

In class today, I was already nervous when I saw glass jars everywhere filled with goo. I got closer and saw..

Dead Baby Jellyfish

Dead Baby Sharks

Dead Seahorse 

DEAD!

DEAD!!

DEAD!!!

And you know I love ocean/sea creatures. If there was a dead Honu in there, I would have been so angry. Actually, I probably wouldn't have had time to be angry just yet. My professor noticed how uncomfortable I was around the once-alive-totally-adorable-baby animals... but instead of asking what was wrong or talking to me about it... he shouted "Its biology... you are going to have to get over it if you want credit"... he was right. 

Yes, It's biology. I probably would've handled it better if I was warned about our class activity. 

What am I talking about??? I couldn't handle it at all!

I pushed forward... I wanted credit. I wanted to finish the activity... Slowly kept walking...

Dead Octopus

Dead "Nemo" Clown Fish

Dead Tapeworm (didn't really care for that one too much)

Dead Starfish

And...

DEAD SPIDER!!!!!!!!

I am sure they thought I was having a seizure. I was shaking, itching, tripping over everything. I fell down ALL of the stairs to the front of the classroom. Then I rolled onto my side, as tightly curled as I could get - and I cried. Me... crying... front and center... in biology. My professor was laughing with that spider in hand - he put it maybe an inch from my face and I couldn't move. My eyes were wide, I kept itching and crying... yes, it looks wierd crying wide-eyed, but it happened. 

A friend saw that my professor wasn't going to stop anytime soon. He picked me up and carried me out of the classroom and into the lobby of the building. I calmed down, uncurled my body, and sat up... still afraid, but also extremely angry. Yes, now the anger kicks in.

I take biology b/c it is require of me so I can graduate. I wasn't allow to take anatomy/physiology b/c I am not premed...

So here I am. Starring into goo-filled jars of dead things... some I love - which is heartbreaking - and some I hate.

All are equally disturbing.

What did I do... READ! First chance I got... ran out of Olin after that incident and read my bible. I had no idea what to read, so I opened it up and started to read Isaiah 40:28-31

"have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lor will find new strength. The will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk ad not faint."

New strength... hmmm... (Thought about it... kept reading)

Isaiah 41:10

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."

He will help me. I don't want to be afraid... I just don't know how to conquer certain fears on my own... So I trust God.

And I am calm. 

This commitment is more than 4 feet deep - I have questions

Though the baptism pool was only around 3-4 feet deep, my commitment is deeper than that. It is deeper than the friendships I have with those whoI want to make clear that this commitment is for life. And what I love most, is I don't need anyone's approval. I did it for God, no one else. 

He has made my heart clean. He has opened my eyes to things unseen. And I am learning to love like he did. (Can you tell I have been listening to Hillsong?  b/c I have *laugh* )

As for my questions... I was re-reading some of Matthew and found confusion. HELP!

Matthew 7 : 6

"Don't waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don't throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you"

I thought we were supposed to share the Truth with people. I think it is saying to be careful with the Word of God, but I'm not sure how else to interpret this. Could you please comment and let me know - or heck, if you run into me after reading this, just tell me what you are thinking. I am so confused by this verse.

Then I read something I really loved only one line later.

Matthew 7: 7-8

"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. for everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."

I know the door has been opened to me. And I love what I am finding and learning -

I am seeing with new eyes, listening with new ears, and have a clean heart - full of love to give. 

How wonderful is our Lord?!

2 Corinthians was my peace of the night

At 2 in the morning, you would think everyone is fast asleep. I was in a bit of a frenzy. I had shared the gospel with my family, and talked about it for a few hours. I wasn't sure how they took it. I knew I should read God's word and pray about everything that had happened in this short period of time, but I failed to find a verse to fit the situation or calm me down. 

A friend of mine happened to be on duty in the dorms and was quite helpful. He shared his testimony with me, and encouraged me to read 2 Corinthians 5. I read all of 2 Corinthians, which lead to another night lacking in sleep. Though I lacked in sleep, I gained some knowledge and definitely found some comfort in what I read. 

2 Corinthians 1: 4 - 7

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us."

 

Yes, that was a lot, but let me explain. I may suffer, but God suffers with me. When I feel joy, God will rejoice by my side. All that I suffer and struggle with will help me grow. I will be a stronger person. And when I face troubles, I will be given a gift of comfort. Tonight, I was not only comforted by the conversation of a dear friend and clarification of what I had been reading... I was comforted by another surprise visitor. I don't know if it is luck, but I sure don't know who is coming to visit next weekend! Start planning that trip! I know that God has seen me form friendships with these surprise visitors... and sometimes friendship is all you need to turn that frown upside down. 

2 Corinthians 3: 2 - 6

"The only letter of recommendation we need is you yourselves. Your lives are a letter written in our hearts; everyone can read it and recognize our good work among you. Clearly, you are a letter from Christ showing the result of our ministry among you. This "letter" is written not with a pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God. It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts. We are confident of all this because of our great trust in God through grist. It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification come from God. He has enabled us to be ministers of his new covenant. This is a covenant not of written laws, but of the Spirit. The old written covenant ends in death; but under the new covenant the Spirit gives life."

Again, its a lot. I have a tendency to write long quotes when I am thinking hard about something. What I find comforting in this passage is that by sharing the word and how amazing it is, I am doing the right thing. By living with a heart filled with love and trust in the Lord, I am doing the right thing. I know I can't do anything on my own; by recognizing that, I am comforted. I have someone to lean on who will help me in troubling times like this. Sharing God's word can be found insulting, annoying, and confrontational at times, but who am I to deprive the world from knowing Christ?! I attempted to share his word today so that people may understand that God has given me life. I do not suffer with a lack of satisfaction in the life I live. Reflecting, I cannot complain. I have been given the best gift of all - the light of the world is in my heart. 

One last really long quote that I found really amazing...

2 Corinthians 6:3 - 10

" We live in such a way that no one will stumble because of us, and no one will find fault with our ministry. In everything we do we show that we are true ministers of God. We patiently endure troubles and hardships and calamities of every kind. We have been beaten, been put in prison, faced angry mobs, worked to exhaustion, endured sleepless nights, and gone without food. We prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us, and by our sincere love. We faithfully preach the truth. God's power is working in us. We use the weapons of righteousness in the right hand for attack and the left hand for defense. We serve God weather people honor us or despise us, weather they slander us or praise us. We are honest but they call us impostors. We are ignored, even though we are well known. We live close to death, but we are still alive. We have been beaten, but we have not been killed. Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to other. We own nothing, and yet we have everything."

Wow... and i mean WOW. 

I read that to say - yes, we are human and we make mistakes. We like to struggle and learn the hard way. We also stand for what we believe in; that in itself can be hard. I have told people before: following God may not be the easiest road, but it is the best road. We do all that we do to glorify God. We are who we are. God is who God is. The world will go on regardless. When we are here, we want to share our joys and concerns with one another. We are people. 

We aren't perfect, but we can be alive in Christ. I am alive in Christ. 

I may have been beaten... we all have been beaten in one way or another... but the joy I feel right now cannot be destroyed. I want people, especially the people closest to my heart, to understand the spiritual riches I feel. Saying I have faith may look like nothing, but I feel like I have everything. I know God will give me what I need and ask for, but he will also make me strong. 

I am a child of God, and I'm going to start acting like one. 

Its time to share the light and love of the Lord. 

Thank you Thursdays

I know I just wrote this really long post, but I just wanted you all to know what I have been praying for the most. 

I am getting baptized this Sunday. I am scared to talk it through with my parents. My mom knows, but I am sure my dad will hate me for this. I am taking a huge step in my walk with the Lord. I want to know I have support. I don't want to be reminded of my struggles or how I am still stuck figuring out who likes me as a person or who just wants to be my friend because I have Christ in my heart. I just want to feel like I felt today. Thank God for Thursdays. 

Today was perfect. It really doesn't take much for me to say today is another one of those "Best Day Ever" experiences. I saw so many people. The sun was shining. I felt peace today, but also a great excitement. My testimony is officially finished ( 19 drafts later) ... if only I could remove the nerves of reading it in a few days *laugh* ... unlikely, but that wont stop me. 

I really do love God. I hope one day my sister will learn to love God as I have. I also pray that my parents (at minimum) understand why I have done this without them. It is for me, and for God. It isn't for anyone else. I also don't want to hurt them. I don't want to hurt anyone. I made sure to word it as best as I could, but it still is hard to be sure of something as sensitive as my testimony. 

I want this so badly... and I love my family so much. I pray they forgive me. 

I pray for so many things and so many people... but that is the top of my list. 

Goodnight.

You were made for more - Give it up to God

It doesn't matter what you are committed to if you're not committed to what matters.

Living for the Good          To  Experiencing God's Best

Succeeding in life ... Succeeding in your calling

Living for what matters in the world     ... Living for what matters to God

Drawing up your own plans ... Embracing his plans

Seeing your dreams come true ...   Living beyond your wildest dreams

Using your potential ...   Exceeding your potential through him

Enjoying a good life ...    Experiencing the best life

There are good-intentioned people doing "good" things for God while they're missing out on God's very best for them. Stop settling for good and miss out on the best. Ask God if what you are doing is what God made you to do.

"I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of"

(John 10:10)

This kind of relationship with the Lord will quench your thirst FOREVER.... yes, I said forever.

I thought God would take away everything I asked for. I asked him what he wanted for my life, and I am starting to go in the right direction. Ask. Don't ever be afraid to ask him questions. God knows what he is doing!

Thirst quencher #1 = SURRENDER!

Surrendering doesn't meaning all you value in your life will disappear! You won't lose anything. You will gain everything!

Write down the goals you have for the next five years. If you could design the perfect future, what would it look like?

Thirst quencher #2 = BELIEVE!

There is a better tomorrow with a life in Christ. Satan is so good at selling you lies. He wants you to believe that the past, whether it's your choices or those of someone close to you, will keep you from experiencing success in living out God's plan for you life. Don't believe that. Take God at his word EVERYDAY!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

(Jeremiah 29:11)

God doesn't say in Jeremiah that he has a plan for you unless you've blown it, does he? God has a plan for you - NO MATTER WHAT!!! How wonderful is that?!

Lets try to absorb this:

God has a plan for you.

This means that

no matter where you've been,

no matter what you've done,

no matter what your home life is like,

no matter what others think of you,

no matter what you think of yourself,

no matter what your past is like,

and no matter what's happening in the present...

GOD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU!

wow. *sigh* I mean... wow. 

Thirst quencher #3 = TRUST

Who made you? Do you really believe God made you? ( I do.)

If you do believe God created you, then doesn't it make sense that the God who created you probably know what is best for you? And then doesn't it also make sense that if God created you and knows what is best for you, then you'll feel most fulfilled when you fully surrender your life to him?

"The eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His."

(2 Chornicles 16:9)

Trust him and he will do amazing things with your life.

Thirst quencher #4: OBEY

He will lavish you with good things.

He will bless your work.

Jesus going to the cross didn't make much sense to the disciples. Obedience isn't always about what makes sense. I may not make sense, but it is SO IMPORTANT. If you really trust God, and love him with all your heart, I think it makes sense to be loyal and obedient. 

We obey our parents. We obey our teachers. We obey and remain loyal to our friends. God is the Father, and as his children, we should obey. God is a teacher of life itself. He created the earth. God can give, and God will take away. He teaches us to be strong. And God is a friend that will never leave you, always listen to you, and always care about you. To have a friend like that is incredible! I will obey and sit in this amazement I feel. 

Thirst quencher #5: LISTEN

A good quote:

" Relationships are a two-way street - - - talking and listening. There are a lot of Christians who are really good at talking to God, but stink to high heaven at listening to him. And most of the time, the noise of their life is so loud they never slow down, unplug the life pod, removed the headphones and simply listen"

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me"

(John 10:27)

There are many noises and voices competing for your listening ear. You have to filter out the noise if you want to hear God's voice. 

HOW TO LISTEN TO GOD

- make an effort to spend time with him

- after praying, sit quietly and listen

- slow down and give him a chance to get your attention

- take off your headphones

He will speak into your heart and challenge you to think in ways you've never thought. 

Heads up tho - God's voice isn't going to boom from a burning bush like it did with Moses or send down a dove as he did when Jesus was baptized. It just doesn't work that way. He will speak to your heart. He has countless ways to speak to us through his Spirit. He will give you a feeling to make the right choices... the same feeling I got today. 

GOD CAN SPEAK TO YOU

- in your thoughts

- through a song

- in the stillness of the moment

- through his word

- through a friend

AND MANY MORE WAYS IF YOU LET HIM!

He wants us to listen, to train our ears, hearts, and minds to hear him.

Pray to God: You do all the talking. 

(vs)

Communicate with God: You talk. He listens. He talks. You listen.

Satan wants you to believe that GOd should never look your way, that you aren't good enough to have God's full attention. Satan is a liar. God wants to give you all of him. He knows your past and understands your weaknesses; he looks past mistakes and sees potential. Only he can give you the best for your life. Only he can make you complete. 

God will take extreme measures to get your attention. But he doesn't do this to condemn you. He does it because he loves you. He does it because he wants you to have his best. He does it so you can have all the water that'll quench your thirst forever. 

So drink up! :)

Are you wearing makeshift clothing?

This is not another blog about style... Its actually about how you are running away from the best possible thing in your life. God.

makeshift = temporary and usually inferior substitute

Did you notice the clothes Adam and Eve made after their major blunder in Genesis? Genesis says their attempt at fashion design was nothing more than "makeshift clothes". This isn't about making our own clothes or saving the environment (though those are nice ideas)... Its about how we create our own ways to solve problems without asking God for help. The end result of our substitutes cannot last and will not satisfy our needs.

Your temptation Your makeshift clothes

There are overwhelming circumstances ..... You turn to a drink

Temptations seem to difficult to control ..... You cut yourself

Everyone else seems to be doing it ..... You become sexually active

You want to be popular ..... You try to become IT

You want his attention ..... You do whatever's necessary to get it

(Genesis 3:21) The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them.

Skin... skin... first if you didn't get the same disgusting image I got, I'd be surprised. Us, without skin. He didn't just pursue them, he clothed them! He replaced their makeshift clothing... so basically, God was the first designer on earth :)

Regardless of imperfections, God wants to capture you and clothe you in his finest. 

SO STOP RUNNING AWAY!

God will not run. He will not turn his back on you.

The question isn't "Is God pursuing you?"... The question is " Will you let God capture you?"

Chapter 2 - Being you and LIKING IT!

Take a few minutes on a separate sheet of paper and write:

5 characteristics of how women are portrayed in today's culture

Yes, It is as if "woman" has been stripped of almost every good, pure quality. We are told completion is in beauty, sex, and money... as you probably were already aware. Many girls associate their value with weight and appearance; self-esteem with sex appeal; acceptance with becoming IT. Its a cultural lie. You suddenly start thinking that without the newest trend and those 200 dollar jeans you saw in the magazine... you are going to DIE! How you look... is how you are.

"I'm ugly. I hate how I look. I hate how I dress. I hate my stomach. I hate my nose. Why can't I be different? Why did God make me this way? What is he thinking?" Sound familiar?

Take another break... write down a list of: 

5 things you don't like about yourself

(followed by a list of )

5 things you do like about yourself.

I bet you finished the first one a lot quicker than the second -yes?

The horrible things you think about yourself is far from true. You are correct if you think you will never meet the world's standards, b/c that is IMPOSSIBLE! They make sure you fail. 

God wants you to win. He wants you to feel like you are enough. He wants you to succeed. He sees you for who you are and everything you can be.

He knows:

- your greatest struggles

- your disappointments

- your home life

- your fears

- what you're thinking right now (though its creepy... its true!)

- the choices you regret

- what you do in your private world

- what you hope for/dream of

-EVERYTHING!

And he wants to make sure you see that being you is a good thing... a great thing!

1. God sees you as beautiful (Psalm 139:13-16)

Look at yourself with God's eyes. There is a purpose behind every "flaw" and imperfection. If you read and believe what Pslam says, then you believe that God had amazing intentions when he made you.

 (Suggest also reading Philippians 1:6)

2. You are God's mirror.

 "God created people in his own image,

God patterned them after himself. (Genesis 1:27)

What do you think it means to be God's mirror in your world? (write it out!)

Okay... this may sound kinda creepy - but think about how differently you'd feel if you looked in the mirror and saw God staring back at you? Wow. Is that an instant love for yourself... you'd like yourself more then now - right? Talk about a basis for self- worth! God shared his own traits with you. This proves how much he thought of you when he created you. You may not like yourself, who you are, feel valuable... but God believes your value is immeasurable. 

3. God sees you as good.

"God looked over everything he had made;

it was so good, so very good" (Genesis 1:31)

He is pleased will all he made... that includes you. You have the ability to do good, be good, and thus live a life that reflects him. Knowing you are good in God's eyes should give you a lot to smile about. Forget the media ... There is no greater honor and basis for self-worth than to have God say "You are good."

Take a break and write some of those good characteristics again... and besides those characteristics, write how you can use it to honor God.

What the spirit can do:

1. Sanctify you - you're holy and freed from sin (1 Corinthians 6:11)

2. Give you hope (Romans 15:13)

3. Give you special gifts, like wisdom and knowledge (1 Corinthians 12:8-11)

4. Transform you into God's likeness (2 Corinthians 3:18)

5. Give you the promise of eternal life (2 Corinthians 5:5; Galatians 6:8)

God is on your side, no matter what stage of life you are in. You are made for more than just getting by, settling in, or giving in. God knew you before your first breath of life, and ever since, he has had his hand on every aspect of your life. "Even the hairs of your head are numbered" (Matthew 10:30) Think about that the next time you go dye your hair black or cut it all off... Because God created you and he knows what's best for you. 

Though this is true, I don't like being the dumb blonde :) 

And remember... only he can complete you. 

(Right about now, I would right a prayer asking God to do what he needs to do in my life to make me feel complete. I would also ask him to help me see myself as he sees me. - - > you might want to try that one too if you still got any paper left)

God will give you answers if you ask :)

Who are you really? Being a man/woman is a choice!

For the record, being a woman is a state of being/mind... not just all that other crap we go through. And either my brain is exploding or I am not acting like a 5 year old anymore. 

That movie night made me think to the point of realization that I am no longer the same person. 

(Go watch "The Outsiders" followed by "The Ultimate Gift" and you will know what I am talking about.)

The last week I have been noticing changes in myself. Good changes. Changes I didn't expect. Changes that I'm actually okay with... and in all honesty, I love it!

I find I am able to listen more, and have sincere/thoughtful responses in conversation. I don't just bounce all the time to cover up my emotions. I have cried, screamed (which many of you heard the other night), smiled uncontrollably, and found myself. I thought I had lost most of me when I left SHS and my busy schedule. I thought I lost my world... my music... me. That is nowhere near true. I lost sight of what was important, and was so stubborn that I really couldn't learn anything new at all. Not in academics, not at church, not from a random occurrence... nothing. I was numb... as numb as numb gets. The Tuck's from "Tuck Everlasting" have a point about that whole "rock stuck at the edge of the stream" thing they talk about. It's not where you want to be. 

Part of this change I owe to a book that I am reading. It shares the name of this blog. It is titled: "This is me" by Jeffrey Dean. Yes, it is written by a man... yes, that caught me off guard at first... and yes, he is incredibly smart and possibly might know the in(s) and out(s) of every woman's mind. (Girls, you have been warned.) *laugh*

This book has taught me a lot about myself; I hope I get the chance to share all I have learned over time. I am positive it wont all fit in one blog, but I will try and cram as much as I can into this one... lets take it one chapter at a time. I think that sounds reasonable. I will also continue to factor in my crazy opinions, but I will link them to the knowledge I have been blessed to apply to my life this week. 

Before we dive in, I want to thank you... and you know who you are. I know we aren't very close friends, and we don't have much in common, but every time I run into you, or talk to you... I start thinking. I feel challenged... and I want to learn new things. You encourage me to find those new things... to seek them out and turn them into experiences. Those experiences spark new questions and new ideas. I hope sometime soon I will get to ask you those questions and share those ideas. Until then, thank you for just being you. 

On that note... CHAPTER 1: Who are you really?

This chapter asks you to take time and think through your life. 

Are you trying to be what everyone else wants you to be instead of just being yourself? 

(If you are, stop that nonsense silly!)

There is this thing in life that Jeffrey Dean likes to call the "IT" status. You want to be it. You want to have it. You want to do it. No matter what IT is at the moment, you have to do IT, have IT, be IT. And because IT is always changing, pressure is unrelenting and your happiness never lasts. 

I find it entertaining that Dean likes to tell us not only the girls point of view, but also the guys point of view. They feel pressure too. We aren't the only ones. Cut them some slack :)

Girls struggling with this IT problem usually don't realize they are trying to achieve IT status. And yes, this IT status irritates boys on a frequent, if not daily, basis. You are searching for popularity, acceptance, love, security or self-worth... correct? 

Satin likes to play with our brains and tell us that we aren't good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, etc. Unless we focus on the only IT that matters --- God's purpose for you --- you'll get confused on numerous other things that will just fade away with the rest of you. 

He tells us that becoming a woman or a man is a choice. To reach for "something more" in the mist of Satin working overtime... that is a choice. And this something more is different for everyone. Regardless, God has a plan for you, and he is not going to hide it from you. He wants you to know what it is and trust him. The question is - are you willing to trust him that much?

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding; 

in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

"In other words, God is saying:

Give me a chance. Let me prove to you that I have it all under control. Let me show you that I am capable of doing something amazing with your life. Let me make you into the person you were created to be. Let me make you into a person that will stand for me and show the world who I am" p.9

Do you look in the mirror and constantly find something wrong with your life? To fight that feeling - you need to give God a chance. 

Warning: Though God is the best road, its not always the easiest. 

You can do this. I did. And though I don't know everything, I know a lot more than I did a few days ago. 

My favorite quote from this chapter is on page 12.

"Your walk with God isn't like getting spiritual plastic surgery. Every-thing's not fixed in an instant. Its a one-day-at-a-time thing. So don't give up. You can do this."

And you can. I mean... YOU REALLY CAN!

Let me guess, you want the book too? I highly recommend it. Chapter 2 at a later date...

until then, 

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

I'm sure it will be wonderful.

GOD HAS PERFECT TIMING

I'm sorry I haven't been writing as much as I planned. I've been struggling a lot physically this week. To be so unsure of so many things, and so scared... its not a good feeling. 

I've been praying a lot to God, and many people have been praying for me. I know God hears all of us. Not only has God given me great support, but he gave me a great gift.

After one of the worst days I have faced in this new year of 2009... God gave me a gift! Someone I hold very close to my heart stopped by my room last night to say hello, and all I could do was scream for joy, and smile for a good 3 hours! Sometimes, all you really need is a hug.

Thank you God for turning my frown upside down... and into a genuine smile. I don't have to fake that I like Valentines Day this year... I'm really excited!

Define: Sorry

I know from experience that anger is something that you can easily cling to. I don't recommend it, but anger sticks if we want it to or not. Things in life happen that are out of our control. Though these situations can be frustrating and hard to recover from, they will always be there. 

When confiding in another person, I don't like to hear that they are sorry. What did you do wrong? None of this is your fault... it is out of both of our hands. Sometimes crappy things just happen. 

Again I have a definition:

Sorry - feeling or expressing pity, sympathy, grief, or regret

All of those words are TERRIBLE! I don't want people to pity me or tell me they grieve for me. I want ears to listen, an intelligent being to give advice, and then ... move on. Personally, I would rather learn from a mistake than mope and hope it disappears by morning. 

If something is not your fault, and you tell me that you are sorry, I will correct you. 

You did nothing wrong. 

This time, its all on me. 

Women Have Curves!

All this shopping, planning events, and having spring rush upon us can be really tiring. I have been watching girls panic about the way they look and what they wear all weekend. What magazines don't tell us is that people are NOT supposed to look like the mannequins. We are all sized differently, and built differently. And differences are things to be respected and loved. 

You are not fat.

You are not ugly.

You are not a walking disaster. 

All you are doing is lowering your self-esteem and confidence levels. Don't blame people for the way you were made. You are unique. You have your own style. Your opinions, ideas, and your wants... THEY MATTER! 

For example, my sister despises polka-dots, but right now I am going through a phase where I think polka-dots are really fun! The other day I found two adorable polka-dot dresses that make me feel really good about myself when I look in the mirror. I don't worry about what my sister thinks, I wear what makes me comfortable and happy. 

I'm not suggesting you go on a huge shopping spree, but Wet Seal, Delias, and Forever 21 are having some incredible sales on those bright colored shirts! Scarfs are also a totally fun new trend I would recommend taking part in. 

Find an outfit that makes you feel good about yourself. 

Compliments are great, but -

for people to love you, you must love yourself first. 

You are projecting an image of yourself to the world every time you step outside your apartment. If you feel disgusting, don't just put on a sweatshirt and mope; Put on a nice outfit. I find the worse I feel, the nicer I need to dress. That outfit can boost your self-esteem, and push aside that nasty feeling you had when you woke up. You may think this is a bunch of rubbish, but pushing yourself to dress in a more proper attire helps!

Also, just because you have curves doesn't mean you need to diet, work out until you cry, or both. Exercise is good, but do it for you... not for society and their need for perfection. If you want to be a healthy person, go workout... but please don't over do it. Work out for 30 minutes a day. Keep in mind, working out wont take away your curves entirely. (I would know. )

It's not a disease.

It's not a problem.

It's not a reason to be alone.

It's not justification to hate yourself. 

There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are who you are. You can still have a great social life, do what you love, and be an amazing individual. 

Weight, size, shape - has nothing to do with it. 

Every person I have ever met could be in a magazine if they had the right photographer, but don't waste your money.

Take your own picture. :)