Daddy

I know my family is 6 hours away, but I worry a lot about them.

I know my family can take care of themselves, but I want to help them.

I know my family is capable of so many things, but I want to teach them.

In the economic state of our country and the changes we are being told to make, people's lives are in panic. People are feeling loss in an opposite way that I am. My family and I are fortunate and have so many things that others dont, but when it comes down it...

I have been working hard and trying to do good - in a feeling of loss. I have been trying to help, but it keeps me from little things that other people have. People may panic, but have so much to drive them. 

I dont have time to be with my friends. I dont have time to paint the streets for the 100th year of Relays. I dont have time to go to dinner with people. I dont have time to go to church events. I DONT HAVE TIME and it is THE MOST HORRIBLE FEELING you could ever have. 

Heck, I dont have time to do laundry. Chores! In College! 

And if I didn't get bread for my PB Sandwches a few days ago, I probably wouldnt be eating!

I've learned that I am a lot like my Daddy. He is a very independent person. He is a strong person. He is a stubborn person. He is a loving person.

And When you love someone, you help them.

When you love someone, you take care of them - if they need you or not

When you love someone, you teach them all you know -  so that they can live to their full potential. 

I used to say that my Daddy was anti-social and a workaholic but I was wrong. I just didn't understand. He works with his friends everyday. He learns from them everyday. And He loves his job. He does what he loves, which not only allows him a network of friends with so much in common, but his job provides for a family... He cares for us. Countless days he has helped me with homework, gone to performances and recitals, played catch in the backyard, took me to dance classes, let me play piano at the same time as the "big game", protectively watched me do flippy-du-dads on the trampoline from the kitchen window, reminded me of the flying worm and kiki... 

He was and is always there. For me. For his friends. And his co-workers. 

He has been making changes as I have. He has been feeling pain and loss like I have. He is very much a similar individual as myself. 

I am thankful for my Daddy. 

I am so thankful that I know these words are not enough... never will be enough.

You chose me. You have taken me in. You have loved me, helped me, and cared for me... and I cant even count how many times you worried about me :)

You were there. You are here. You will always be here. 

The heart is a powerful thing.

A response

 I want to give the love in my heart, but I can't get past the anger hiding in the shadows. It is unnecessary anger, but its there. It is hard to deal with things that you avoided for so many years. 

How do I love others when I am struggling to even love myself... to hold on to God's love. I am not meeting my expectations. I know I will always fall short. I am so undeserving of God's love. 

I thank God... for being God.

Let It Go

"I gotta let it go. I gotta let. it. go. All the pain is dry. I gotta let it go. And move on with my life."

I gotta listen to some of those songs I love more closely. They speak louder than any words I can find.

"Where do I go? Every direction seems to be against the flow. Who will I be? What does it mean to just be me? So tired of having to choose... where I'll be and what I'm going to do...

Lost is confusion. I feel like I'm losing it all. Where do I go from here? No who's going to break my fall... nothing is clear... so where do I go from here?"

I know ... I've been praying a lot. I'm been under a lot of stress and haven't found the words to ask for prayer either. 

God will help... things take time. 

Funny what you learn in four hours

I am on a little vacation I guess you could say... and its Easter Weekend. My family is so incredible... maybe crazy, insane, eccentric, pregnant (all the time)...

BUT I LOVE IT!

It fills me with memories and stories and smiles... enough smiles to bring back and share with all of you. I met a lot of my grandpapa's friends tonight and got to see little Trey finally befriend my dog - aka Pup-op! I learn about the little things I take for granted.

Being at school - if someone tells me something is wrong, doesnt mean I absorb it. I havent witnessed it... I havent seen it... or experienced it. I can't learn everything by books and being told things... its just not how us fine arts people work.

I am home with my sister and laughing about ceranwrap and plastic or how to march in a circle the right way... its just so funny to be with my family. Its going to be hard to leave sunday.

This weekend is so refreshing

hm?

I don't know... so i'm taking a break to figure out all the stuff in my head

Who am I?

I wrote a previous post about how I feel... the logic behind it is not so simple.

I went from one extreme to the other... and in the motions, I skipped over some things I thought weren't important. I am not really going backwards in terms of my faith or how I think, but I do have to review older thought processes and fix the things I skipped over.

With this amazing speaker in town - so much is being thrown in every direction... 

I am listening with my mind and my heart and am struggling to now clear the prior fuzziness. People try to give advice and I get even more confused. 

What I need is to define myself - by myself - in time and I know that is extremely difficult. Part of that is strongly connected to my love of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, but part of it is just me.

I was alone for all of 5 seconds this morning and my heart just stopped. I realized that no matter how much I love people, this life is temporary and I need to find my identity in Christ and one that fits here in this life... and it may sound sketchy but I want a middle ground. 

Thats all I ever wanted was a middle ground... and peer pressure isn't helping me find myself. Please keep in mind that I did come from extremes when giving me advice... I want constructive criticism, not more hurt than I already have... but I do want help. 

I am pulling myself apart one piece at a time... all I want to know is

Where do I fit?