The Call - my sister and me

Ever seen the Narnia movies? There is a song titled "The Call" that I used in many speeches to help explain many things in my head... in my heart. I like how music can match thoughts and help get people through pain. I think that is why I love the fine arts as a whole; Its takes away pain.

My biggest pain was the topic of our psychology class today. My adoption situation kept me from fulfilling assignments and has caused many issues this month. I can't make a real family tree. I don't know my medical history. Etc. Etc. Etc. My sister and I are very close because we are both adopted, but today I finally understood why it is even harder for her. Our class discussed the affects of alcohol and drugs on the fetus and what disabilities the child must deal with IF it survives birth. My sister survived birth and 16 wonderful years... And today, I feel a pain... that I cant cure for her. I can't do anything to change the facts. All I can do is love her. Sometimes I wonder if that is enough. She is my other half. I've sacrificed so much for her, and I would give up everything I own... Everything I love... to give her what she needs. I can't imagine life without her. She is my biggest blessing.

Right now, I'm making a decision. I'm tired of being told my family is going to hell. I am tired of being treated like being who I am isn't good enough. I'm tired of having friends that only are my friends when it is convenient for them. I am so tired, that art isn't enough. I pray and pray... but my prayers haven't been answered yet. I think I turned down the biggest opportunity in my lifetime to try and make Des Moines my home... but its not. I got 23 art residency offers for BFA Studio and BA Art History and some even for Art Therapy (which is my goal after undergrad). I turned down every last one of those offers. Every last one of them! I look back and think maybe God gave me those offers that I so desired because I deserved to be happy... not because he was testing me and trying to see if I would stay with this fellowship. He was giving me gifts and I turned them down!

Now, I'm dancing to get myself though the week in one piece.... calling my best friend every night so I don't cry to sleep. I drag myself out of bed every morning. My sister needs me. I need to be happy. And I need to fix this. I just don't know how to do that yet.

So I listen to "the Call"... and make my words grow into battle cries.... bring my memories before my eyes... because right now, thats all I can do. Wait for the next call to find what I left behind... what I didn't have to leave behind.