Reality can be extremely hurtful. I have situations that I have never confronted. I have things I refuse to think about. There are days that I am so physically tired that I will stay in bed and lie to myself and make those once forgotten self-esteem issues pulse with all the fury of my 18 years combined. When I share things with people, that doesn't mean they are up for discussion or allowed to be mentioned in public. Wearing my heart on my sleeve became one of my self-defense mechanisms - I had to tell people everything. I had to always be peppy and enthusiastic. I had to avoid my problems and distance myself from people. I don't want to do that anymore.
But right now, I am pushing back anger to find a sadness that just kills your soul. So...
I'm not pulling myself in and hiding how I feel
I'm not separating myself from the world
I'm not going to just be peppy all the time
I am trying to be myself.
And my anger has been exposed in ways that I never wanted. My anger is -in a way- a comfortable way to deal with things, though completely inappropriate. I've been so angry that I sought help. The bible wasn't comforting me, helping me, or teaching me... I think my stubbornness was getting in the way.
2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive ever thought to make it obedient to Christ.
I am supposed to focus on this verse. This verse is about focusing on Christ in your actions and in your thoughts. The little insignificant things that bring sparks of anger have now grown into a blazing fire. Satan is starting to build a wall in the distance I've put between my problems, other people, and myself. With me - so much is a "fine line"; its an unintentional part of who I was that carried over into this new heart. I cant remove that "fine line", but I can change preferences to benefit other people and try not to let things go straight to my heart - skipping my brain and all things logical.
But logic has never been my forte and giving grace is so extremely difficult for me. Satan is pulling me down with every situation I have never confronted - past to present. Feeling weak doesnt make this any easier.
I can't deal with it all. I'm emotionally and physically incapable. I know what is right and I will follow my Lord. I guess I must really ask WWJD to get rid of it all... its the process that kills me.
Matthew 16:23
Get behind me Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the thing of men.
So I look to my Lord and I pray I do not fall like this ever again.
Ephesians 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.
Gosh- I really need to focus on linking my mind and my heart. I'm starting to feel invisible again.
"Grace overwhelms my broken-ness"... If only I knew how.
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